February 21, 2007
Now this is a touchy subject because when you make a woman angry she can spend her entire life doing whatever she can to bring you down. Still the subject must be addressed. Older women need to stop trying to be friends to younger females—instead, be a source of inspiration and support. Years ago, through my sorority, I was involved in the I Have A Dream program, where we mentored area youth who were encouraged to go on to college, knowing that there would be scholarship monies available for them upon completion of high school.
When asked whether I would like male or female charges, I chose male. It was an easy decision for me. I felt and still do feel that if I tried to mentor young girls, there would be issues with their mothers who felt I was trying to take their place or turn their daughters against them. In short, I didn’t want any drama just because I wanted to give a child the benefit of my experience. Fortunately I was assigned to Patrick and D. Shortly after the program began D’s family moved to Atlanta and Sir Leland and Kamond were assigned to me and then somehow I ended up with Chris and other joining the crew.
I spent time with their families and they got to know people close to me. Together we went to school events, movie screenings, NAACP, journalist, sorority, fraternity and Black college alumni events. It was also enjoyable just to spend time sitting by the pool talking as I shared my thoughts on how they should treat ladies and what I felt there responsibilities were as Black men. I made sure to take them to a lot of events where they interacted with men. I also told them that there were things that girls do that they should not accept. Unfortunately many of those things that girls do, they learn from their mothers. And some of the mothers think their behavior is cool and cute when their daughters do it (It’s funny that rapper Juvenile came out with a song with the lyrics, “She got it from her mama.”) But it is not funny when older women try to be the wrong type of friend to young girls. I’m talking about the women who have no business trying to give advice because they have not reconciled their own actions or inactions. Years later these women are trying to excuse their actions when they know, deep down, they were wrong.
Once a young man, for some reason, told me “experience is the best teacher.” Actually he wanted me to “experience” something that I really was not ready for. While experience can be the best teacher in some instances, you don’t have to experience everything in order to learn some of life’s lessons. For example, as bad as I think I am, I am not “badder” than cocaine, heroine, crack, ecstasy or any of the other drugs out there that I have seen destroy lives. I don’t need the experience. I’ll pay attention to those statistics that I have read. There’s no mistaking the facts: look at the number of men and women in prison for drug-related offenses, or talk to a mother who has lost a child from an overdose.
I also don’t need to have unprotected sex with a “fine brother” who looks clean, only to end up with herpes, chlamydia, a child or HIV/AIDS. I learned from the next-door neighbor in college who came banging on my door when she found a weird looking wart on her vagina. Then there was the girlfriend who asked me to baby sit her child while she went out on New Year’s Eve and nine months later she gave birth to a son (for years I wouldn’t go out on New Year’s Eve thinking I would get pregnant!). Then in one of my most memorable interviews, Rae Lewis Thornton told of not only her experiences dating, but also the way her life changed and constantly changes as she lives with the AIDS virus. I don’t need the experience. I think I have learned from the experiences of others.
And that is what gets me about these women who rather than giving young girls the benefit of their experience, turn into their friends, leading them down a road of destruction. Instead of telling a young sister, “I smoke but I wish I had never started and hopefully you won’t either,” they rationalize—because misery loves company—by saying, “Let her smoke, she’ll learn.” Now I am not saying that young sisters will listen every time, but there’s something to be said about using the influence when you have it. Some older women know that a young sister is “feeling them” but still refuse to do the right thing. Some might even conspire with the younger female, contributing to her delinquency by agreeing with everything the younger one says and going against real teachings from a conscientious mother.
Young females don’t need us to agree with everything they do. We have been there, done that and survived. They need us to listen. They need us to tell them the truth. Let their friends be born in the same decade as they. Let them enjoy life, but most of all let them benefit from our experiences.
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